


Fragments

by noalinnea



Category: Actor RPF, Lord of the Rings RPF, Sharpe (TV), Sharpe - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Dialogue-Only, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-16
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-15 00:58:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4586985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noalinnea/pseuds/noalinnea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sean and Viggo are in a committed relationship, but living on two different continents takes its toll... a dialogue only fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Two years ago, evocates and I co-wrote a fic series called "Monologues for Two" (which can be found among my works). We started on a sequel, but real life became demanding as we both ventured into work life, and we never managed to finish it. Given the fact, that there are not many new Sean/Viggo fics out there nowadays, it seems a complete waste to let the fragment sit on my computer and gather dust. So that's why we have decided to post the parts we wrote two years ago, even if the series might not be continued. I will post one part a week and hope that you all are still out there! Comments are very much appreciated!

**Los Angeles, 21-05-2005, 5:28 pm**

"Sean here. Leave a message and I'll get back ta you."  
  
"Hej! I was hoping I'd get a hold of you. But maybe you're still at work?" [Pause] "I'm getting my things ready before flying to Spain- and I thought maybe I could- I still have two more weeks and I thought-" [Softly:] "I'd very much like to see you." [Pause] "Can I visit you in India? I know that you'll have to work and that there won't be much time but I'd-" [Soft laugh] "Yeah- I just want to see you. Call me and tell me what you think, okay?"  
  
  


**Los Angeles, 23-05-2005, 11:17 am**

"Sean here. Leave a message and I'll get back ta you."  
  
"Hej! Are you okay? I've been trying to call you for days. Did you get my message? I checked with the travel agency, there's a flight on Thursday. It could stay for almost a week before having to leave for Spain." [Pause] "Please call me as soon as you hear this, no matter what time it's here. And Sean--?" [Sigh] "No, never mind, I'll talk to you soon in person. Hej."  
  
  


**India, 25-05-2005, 9:58 pm**

Hej, this is Viggo. I can't answer right now but you are welcome to leave a message."  
  
"We moved hotels; something happened with the pipes. Reception here is absolutely terrible. We'll be going into the wilds soon, and much as I'd love ta have you here, I don't think it's allowed." [Pause. Sigh] "Have a good time in Spain, luv. Maybe once I'm done here I'd be able to fly over ta see you. It'd make fer a change, eh?"  
  


**India, 26-05-2005, 01:04 am**

[Dial tone. Clicking]  
  
"Vig? You there?"  
  
"I'm here. Hej."  
  
[Louder:] "Vig! You have ta speak a bit louder, luv!"  
  
[Sigh. Louder:] "I'm here. The reception still bad?"  
  
"Aye. I've been trying ta call you fer the past 3 hours. Wanted ta hear yer voice. Did you get me message?"  
  
"Yes." [Pause] "What do you mean, you think it's not allowed? Have you asked?"  
  
"I did. But it's fer security reasons - we're going into palaces and wild uncharted territory, or summat like that. It's ridiculous. I told 'em that you can survive anything, but still no."  
  
"When are you leaving? Can we meet before you're all going?"  
  
"We're going ta have the last shoot in this location tomorrow, and the day after we're packing and going off."  
  
"-------"  
  
"Oh for fuck's sake- Viggo? You there?!"  
  
[Crackling]  
  
[Beep. Dial tone]  
  
"Sean?"  
  
"Vig? You there?"  
  
"I am. God, I hate this. I really- I really need to talk to you without yelling into the receiver for a change."  
  
[Pause] "Aye, I do too. It's been too long since we've had a proper conversation."  
  
[Pause] "And since we've seen each other. What you said about coming to Spain- is that more than wishful thinking? Do you really think you might be able to come?"  
  
"Will you still be in Spain in two months?"  
  
"Yes, but---" [Long pause] "In _two_ months, Sean-- I-- we haven't seen each other in almost four months now, apart from that one weekend in London--" [Pause] "I don't think I can wait that long."  
  
[Gently:] "I don't finish filming fer two months, luv, and I won't have the time until then."  
  
[Silence]  
  
"Vig? Did the reception cut off again?"  
  
"No, I'm still here." [Pause] "There just isn't a good answer."  
  
[Quietly:] "No, there ain't." [Pause] "I'm so damned sorry."  
  
[Sigh] "I know."  
  
"Are you mad at me, luv?"  
  
[Long pause] "No. I'm disappointed. I really thought I might get to wake up next to you on Saturday, and that I'd-- stop hurting then." [Pause. Barely audible:] "I'm so tired of missing you, Sean, incredibly tired."  
  
"Aye. It makes me ache all over."  
  
[Shaky inhale. Swallows hard] "No, that's not- it's not what I mean. It's not the feeling I'm used to--" [Pause] "I don't know how to deal with this any more. I really don't." [Very quietly:] "I'm _miserable_ , Sean."  
  
[Long pause. Crackling] "Reception's breaking up, _shite_. What feeling were you saying?"  
  
"Oh for God's sake." [Pause] "I can't have this conversation shouting. Not today, not when the line might go dead any second. How long will you be away shooting on location?"  
  
"'Round three weeks." [Pause] "Will you write ta me what you just said?"  
  
"I'd rather not. I'd rather _talk_ to you about this." [Long pause] "Another three weeks?" [Pause] "Will you have a chance to check your emails?"  
  
"Even if I don't, I will force a way to. They'll be having wireless because filming will be going on in two locations or so. I'll see if I can hijack a satellite dish or summat like that."  
  
[Pause] "... Sean? Are you still there?"  
  
[Louder:] "I said I'd find a way ta get ta me email even if I have ta kill somebody!"  
  
"Okay. But give me some days. I can't do this straight away."  
  
"Take as long as you need ta, luv." [Pause] "I ain't going anywhere."  
  
"No." [Pause] "How's filming going?"  
  
"It's good. Sharpe's me favourite, so it's like slipping back on an old skin again."  
  
"That's great. You've been looking for this for quite some time. And India?"  
  
"It's great. There are so many things I wish I can show you. So much history's here, Vig, and I think you'd enjoy the culture so much more than I am."  
  
"Did you-" [Clears his throat] "Did you get the chance to take some pictures?"  
  
"Aye, I have. I've taken ta bringing a camera everywhere, and I blame you fer that." [Soft laugh]  
  
"Send me some?"  
  
"Of course, luv. Which address?"  
  
"Send them to my agent in LA. She'll forward my mail to Spain." [Softly:] "I'd love to see some pictures."  
  
"Alright." [Pause] "You'd have ta tell me what you think of 'em, yeah?"  
  
"I'm looking forward to seeing them."  
  
"Good." [Pause] "What are you doing right now?"  
  
"I was on the porch, reading, when you called."  
  
"What were you reading?"  
  
"A novel by a Spanish author, Ruiz Zafón. 'The Shadow of the Wind'. I like it. It's very atmospheric. Quite dark, too. Read it, if it crosses your way."  
  
"The Shadow of the Wind, eh? I'll see if I can manage ta find a translation 'round here."  
  
"I'd send you a copy but it's probably just going to get lost in the mail." [Pause] "As my letters usually are."  
  
"... They weren't lost, luv."  
  
"I thought that the ones I sent to India... did you get any of them?"  
  
"I haven't read 'em yet, because I hadn't the chance. But I know the post office's keeping 'em."  
  
[Pause] "Do you want me to keep writing, then, if you can't collect them? Maybe it'll be a bit much if you have to plough through weeks and weeks of my ramblings all at once?"  
  
"If you'd rather keep writing, I'd keep reading." [Soft chuckle] "It's what you write; it's always great to read."  
  
"Writing has been a little difficult lately. But maybe knowing that you'll actually get to read them at some point will help. I thought they'd just disappeared." [Pause] "Speaking of which, Mel called me because she couldn't get a hold of you. I promised to tell you to call her back. Lorna has skipped a couple of days at school and she needs you to talk to her."  
  
"Lorna what?" [Pause] "Damnit. Sorry, luv, fer making you play messenger between us. I'll call 'em soon as I can get a better connection." [Pause] "I'll read yer letters. I promise."  
  
"Don't worry about it, I don't mind if Mel calls me, not at all. It's probably less dramatic than it sounds now. It was just that James is away for two weeks or so and she was furious and needed to vent before she talked to Lorna. We talked for a while actually, and she was a little calmer already when we hung up."  
  
[Gently:] "I'm always glad that you two get along so well."  
  
"She's great. I like her a lot." [Pause] "Sean?"  
  
"Mm?"  
  
[Hoarsely:] "Make time to come see me in Spain, yeah?"  
  
"I will." [Pause] "You get a promise fer that."  
  
"Spain's beautiful this time of year, I'd like you to see that."  
  
[Soft chuckle] "I saw it once with you, remember?"  
  
[Quietly:] "Of course I do. I got to wake up next to you with a view onto the Alhambra and met Lorna and Molly."  
  
"I can't make guarantees on Alhambra or Lorna and Molly, but I'll try me best ta at least wake up next ta you soon, aye?"  
  
"Yes." [Pause] "And bring your schedule, we need to find more time to spend together."  
  
"Yessir." [Chuckles]  
  
[Silence]  
  
"Vig? Did the reception cut off again?"  
  
"No, no." [Clears his throat] "I'm still here."  
  
[Pause] "I said something wrong, didn't I?"  
  
"It's-- can you please not sign up for five more projects before we've had time to sit down together and look at our schedules?"  
  
[Longer pause] "Aye. I've been working too much, haven't I."  
  
"Can you remember how I'm feeling in your arms?"  
  
"Aye." [Long exhale] "I can remember yer warmth too, and yer scent."  
  
"I'm weighing 15 pounds less than when we saw each other and I'm growing a moustache." [Pause] "It's almost June, Sean. We've just seen each other once this year, when I was in London for your birthday, and we didn't have much time alone then." [Pause] "I miss you."  
  
"I know the moustache is fer a role." [Pause] "Take care of yerself, luv. I don't want ta see a waif when I come ta see you in August, alright?"  
  
"Yeah." [Pause] "I think I need to go now."  
  
"Alrigh'. I-" [Pause. Swallow] "Take care of yerself, luv."  
  
[Softly:] "No, tell me- what were you going to say?"  
  
"I was going ta apologise, but I realised it won't be of much use."  
  
"It won't make me wake up next to you any sooner but I appreciate the sentiment." [Pause] "Look, I know you can't just take some days off now, don't feel bad about this now. Just don't make me wait once you're back in Europe, okay?"  
  
"Mm." [Pause] "Okay."  
  
"I'll let you sleep now, it must be in the middle of the night on your end."  
  
"It is. But- Vig-"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Just- take care of yerself, alright? I'll worry."  
  
"I'll try to. They'll make sure that I'm eating regularly on set, don't worry about that."  
  
"Good." [Pause] "Goodnight, luv."  
  
"Sleep well. And have fun shooting on all these locations." [Softly:] "Call me as soon as you're back, hm?"  
  
"I will."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sean is in India, Viggo is in Los Angeles. Ian stops by for dinner and Viggo pours out his heart to him.

Viggo's place, Los Angeles, 28-05-2005, 7:35 pm

[Door being opened. Soft laugh] "Ian! Come on in. It's good to see you!" [Kisskiss]

"Hello, my dear boy." [Pause] "You're looking awfully gaunt."

"Mmh, I know." [Pause] "But let's not talk about this in the doorway. Did you get here alright?"

"Oh yes. This is Venice Beach, you know, and I daresay any driver with any sense knows how to get here."

[Chuckles] "You're probably right. It's not really a remote little village in France." [Footsteps] "Come on. I hope you're hungry?"

"Well, I am for your food, at least. You always cook well, my dear boy."

"Thank you." [Footsteps] "This way. I thought we could have a glass of wine in the kitchen while I'm adding the finishing touches."

"I hope you have a white."

[Laughs] "Of course! I stocked up just for you. Choose a bottle?"

"I'll get the New Zealand Riesling. For old times's sake, mm?"

"Yes. Good times, definitely." [Clinking of glasses] "Wait, let me-" [Pop. Wine being poured] "Great to have you here. Skål!"

"Skal, Viggo?" [Chuckles. Sip] "You are the only man I know who can make me feel ignorant. Quite a unique feeling."

[Chuckles] "Chinchin, then, if you want."

"Cheers." [ _Clink_ ]

"I never got to ask- what brings you to LA?"

"Filming. They're making a third X-Men movie." [Pause] "The script isn't quite stellar, but how can I pass up a chance to work with the lovely Patrick?"

"It's really about with whom you're working, isn't it?"

"Mm, definitely. A bad director might ruin a good script, and a bad script can be improved by a good director and a stellar cast." [Chuckles]

[Laughs] "Oh, most definitely. How long are you staying?" [Rattling of pots] "I really meant what I said on the phone, be my guest. I'm leaving for Spain a week from now but you're welcome to stay as long as you like."

"Oh no, I really can't. I've become spoiled in my old age, and I like having maid service, as cozy as your house is." [Pause] "But I'll visit as much during this week as I can."

"That would be great. I'll be free all week, actually."

"Now that is surprising."

[Pause] "Filming finished a little earlier and the flight to Spain was already booked so I thought I might as well stay here for one more week and do some of the things that never get done. Clean up my studio, for example."

"That wasn't what I meant, my dear. And you know it."

[Sigh] "You sure that you want to get into this before dinner?"

"I don't mind eating while listening."

[Long pause] "I don't even know where to start." [Rattling] "The potatoes are almost done. I thought we could sit outside?"

"That will do me just fine. I'd like to see the kind of view you have here."

"It's not spectacular. But I like sitting outside." [Clinking] "There we go. Can you take the glasses? The table is already set. Through here, and then left."

[Clink] "Lead the way."

"Alright." [Footsteps. Clinking] "Watch your step at the door. Here we are."

[Low whistle] "You've put in quite a bit of effort into this, Viggo. I'm flattered, really."

[Chuckle] "It's been quite some time since I got to cook for someone. Your company is more than welcome. Take a seat."

[Glass on wood. Wood dragging over grass] "There we go."

"Hand me your plate? There's bread over there, and take as much salad as you want."

"With homemade dressing, I presume?"

"Of course, always. It's mustard, honey and white wine vinegar. More potatoes?"

"That's enough, thank you. I'd like to see what you have baking in the oven, though."

"It'll be done in two minutes, so I might as well satisfy your curiosity. It's poached trout with Riesling and thyme. I hope that's to your taste?"

"Of course, my dear. Did you catch the trout yourself?"

"This time not, no. Excuse me one moment, I'll be right back." [Footsteps]

"I'll be right here." [Chuckles]

[Leaves rustling in the wind. Footsteps returning] "There." [Soft thud] "Let me help you, the pan's scorching hot." [Scraping] "More?"

"No, this is enough. I don't have quite that large an appetite." [Low laugh] "Not for food, anyhow."

[Chuckles] "You want to tell me more about this? Go ahead, tuck in."

"It's not very polite dinner conversation." [Pause] "Besides, I'd rather hear more of you and your missing paramour."

[Pause] "He's in India, filming."

"Again?"

[Sigh] "Mmh."

[Sip] "Talk to me, dear boy."

"I just- I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of always ending up second, behind his career."

"I sense that this is a bigger problem than the fact that he's in India right now, Viggo." [Clink] "Will you tell me more?"

"No, of course, India is not the problem." [Pause. Quietly:] "I've barely seen him this year. A weekend in February, a couple of days in April, for his birthday, when we always were surrounded by people. And that's it." [Pause] "I wanted to visit him this week, before I'm going to Spain but he-" [Bitter chuckle] "Well, here I am, as you can see. And maybe, maybe he'll have time for a quick trip to Spain in August." [Pause] "In _August_." [Pause] "I'm not sure if I can wait this long."

[Footsteps. Shifting of clothes. Slide of skin against hair] "My dear boy."

[Shaky breath]

"Have you found any way to tell Sean of how you feel?"

"I- um-" [Clears his throat] "I've tried to. But there never is a decent phone connection to India and it-" [Pause] "I haven't told him that it's this bad."

"Do you wish to?"

[Pause] "Yes. But I'd want to tell him in person. He's stuck in India now, what's he going to do about it if I tell him that I can't even get myself to eat properly anymore?"

"Well, he might come home quicker." [Huff] "But Viggo, you have to take care of yourself. This is unhealthy for you - I can feel your bones!"

"I know. And I'm trying to. It'll be a lot easier once I start filming again and am not stuck here with my thoughts all day." [Soft laugh] "Speaking of which- your fish is getting cold!"

"I'll eat it if you eat with me. Let me be assured that you're taking one meal properly, at least."

"I will. It's much easier when I have company." [Pause] "I just miss having him around, you know."

"I can understand that." [Gentle kiss] "Come now, eat while you talk. I'm not going to let you out of that."

[Sigh] "Thanks, Ian." [Clinking. Around food:] "There. I'm eating."

"Good." [Clink]

[Pause] "Don't you think I should wait with talking to him until I see him? Wouldn't it be unnecessarily cruel to tell him now when I can't even be sure that the phone connection will hold until the end of the conversation?"

"I would say that the longer you wait, the worse you will get. It will be terrible if you start to grow resentful of him, Viggo." [Sip] "Why don't you write to him?"

"Because I don't know what to tell him. I really don't. It's not-" [Pause. Swallows. Almost inaudible:] "He hasn't seen _me_ either, Ian. And yet he's flown off to film in India for weeks and weeks without making plans to meet with me." [Pause. Shaky exhale] "What on earth am I supposed to tell him?"

"Tell him that you miss him, Viggo." [Pause] "Because I think he misses you as well, but he feels a little different about such things."

[Sigh] "I can't count anymore how often I've told him that I miss him." [Pause] "And of course he misses me, too, I know that, he's never given me any reason to believe that he doesn't. It's just that missing me doesn't make him come home more often." [Long pause] "And what scares me is that I can't help thinking that maybe we reached a crossroads some time ago and decided to continue into two different directions without noticing it."

"And what direction might _you_ be heading towards?"

"If I only knew that, Ian." [Pause] "You know what I'm longing for? For a place to call home, a place that doesn't feel like a temporary solution. I'm tired of forever drifting around."

"Do you wish for a place, Viggo, or for Sean to stay with you?"

[Very quietly:] "It wouldn't be a home without him. I'd like us to have a place that is ours, that we both can come home to." [Pause] "But even then, we'd have both have to come home sometimes."

"What is the house you both adore, amongst all of these?"

"I like Sean's place in London."

"You would do that? Uproot yourself to live with him?"

"Yes, absolutely, now that Henry is older. And I like London." [Soft chuckle] "I'm even crazy enough to like the English weather." [Pause] "But I'm not going to sit in London all year and wait for him to come home. Moving in together is not going to fix the problem." [Pause. Then laughter] "Don't look at me as if I'm a naughty three-year-old! See, I _am_ eating!"

"If you keep eating, then I might stop looking at you like that." [Soft chuckle] "No, moving in isn't the solution. I would say that you two have different definitions of missing each other."

"Mmh." [Pause] "What am I going to do, Ian?"

"I cannot tell you that, my dear boy. I can only advise you on what an old man thinks you can do."

[Chuckle] "I'd say wise, not old. So what is your wise advice?"

"Tell him what you feel. Write it down if you need to, Viggo; you seem better at that. The two of you were rocky in the beginning, and I would say this stems from the same. You have different expectations of each other, and you both need to hash that out and reach a compromise somehow."

[Long pause. Then, quietly:] "I'm not sure if I can compromise on this. I can't be in a relationship with a man whom I barely see, even though he means the world to me." [Pause] "Or rather _because_ he means the world. But that's the one thing about this that I can't tell him. I can't tell him that sometimes--" [Swallows. Hoarsely:] "That I've caught myself thinking that it would be easier to know that he won't come home, and deal with the pain, once, and then be done with it, instead of constantly hurting like this." [Pause] "And that's unfair, I know, and it's not what I want, not at all, I _want_ to be with him. I just want to _be_ with him." [Tired chuckle] "This is such a basic wish, it sounds almost absurd. All I want is to spend time with him."

[Shifting. Scraping of chair against ground] "I don't mean to compromise that, Viggo. I can't speak on Sean's behalf, but will you like me to guess about what he might be thinking?"

"Yes." [Pause] "Because it doesn't feel as if I can read him very well any longer."

"He loves you, and he believes that you will know that and be satisfied with it even if you two don't see each other." [Pause. Sip] "It might seem very strange, but I reckon that is what Sean thinks at the moment - that he's not neglecting you, but demonstrating his trust."

"You've gotten to know him very well over the years, hm? " [Sigh] "That sounds exactly like Sean."

[Chuckles] "I told you, Viggo. We speak the same language of Yorkshire, though I am a little rusty."

"I don't think you are." [Long pause] "I know that he loves me, I know that. I can hear it in his voice when we speak on the phone. And before, that used to be enough. To know that he is there, wherever he is. It used to be enough to get me through the weeks without him. I'd think of him, and miss him, but would always look forward to spending time with him. But now- I somehow can't- he seems so far away, I don't even know what he looks like now- and now the thought of meeting him just makes me miserable because there'll go so many weeks before there even might be a tiny opening in his schedule and then he'll be gone again almost before he's arrived. And during the first hours I won't know what to say and'll just be overwhelmed by all of these emotions that his presence triggers and before I've had the chance to take a proper look at him, he'll be off again, filming three continents away." [Pause] "There hasn't been any time for the two of us for so long that it's difficult to keep hoping that there will be time again one day."

"Why do you think what you felt might have changed?"

"It's a mechanism of self-protection, I think. I've been disappointed so many times that it's less painful to anticipate disappointment than to hope and have my hopes crushed again." [Pause] "I've had the opportunity to exhibit some of my paintings and photographs earlier this year, nothing huge, a friend of mine owns the gallery but I- I didn't even tell Sean about it. First there never was any time and then I- I didn't _dare_ to ask him to come to the vernissage because I couldn't stand the thought that he wouldn't have time to come. I don't know if that makes sense, but it was easier somehow to not have him there because I didn't ask him and not because he didn't make it there."

"I'd rather that you don't psychoanalyse yourself like that, my boy." [Pause] "Listening to you, I almost suspect that you're starting to self-sabotage."

"Maybe I am, I really can't tell anymore. I think I really am at my limit, I'm tired and scared and I'm hurting too much to think remotely straight."

"That might be more to do with how you're not eating or sleeping well than Sean."

[Long pause] "I've been-" [Swallows] "I wish I could just _talk_ to him about this, in person. I don't even know how he feels about all of this. Maybe he'd want to spend more time with me, too."

"I would say that it is a guarantee that he wants to see more of you. But like I said, it's not a _need_ for him. You have to talk to him so he knows to prioritise properly."

"I'm not going to tell him how to lead his life, Ian."

"My dear boy, of course you are. That is part of being a relationship. Aren't you willing to lead your life differently because of Sean?"

"Of course I am. But because I want to, not because he tells me to."

"Oh, _Viggo_. You should already know this by now. Your wishes and thoughts won't always align, and with Sean, it's always easier to be forward. Tell him what you feel and what you'd rather he do, and let _him_ make the decision."

"But I have been telling him all along. I've told him that I miss him and that I want to spend time with him and asked if we can coordinate our schedules better. I've even offered to do fewer films and come with him and work on my other projects in whatever place he is. What else should I tell him?"

"All that you have just told me." [Pause] "Sean is a little thick, I believe."

"He isn't. It's my fault. I've probably not been clear enough about how I feel." [Pause] "We've just reached a point where he isn't afraid anymore that he'll screw up everything and make me leave him and I don't want to risk all of that." [Softly:] "Actually he is- he picks up on all of my moods, I think, and I'm sure that he knows that something isn't right now and that I'm not happy, but instead of asking me about it he'll just- wait and hope that there won't be a conflict that triggers his panic to loose me again." [Sigh] "So much for the need to analyze everything. I'm sorry, you must be dizzy already."

"Look at it another way, Viggo. Sean has gotten over his fear - he's _secure_. You're the one who isn't. Are you sure you're not the one who is afraid?"

"I am, I am afraid. I'm afraid to tell him how I really feel because I'm afraid that I won't be able to deal with his answer."

[Quietly:] "I don't think he's going to break up with you over this, Viggo."

"That's not what I'm afraid of." [Hoarsely:] "I'm afraid that I might be the one to break this off."

"Are you so tempted?"

"If I don't find a way to solve this with him soon, I'll- I might have to. I can't keep going like this, it's not healthy. I need someone who wants to share everything with me, Ian, their home, their heart, their body and soul, I need someone who is around at the end of the day. But I'm not going to force this onto Sean. If he's happy out there filming and doesn't have the need to be home more than a couple of weeks a year then that's who he is, I'm not going to expect him to change for me and force a decision upon him for or against me." [Pause] "He's had to make that decision often enough in the past."

[Sharply:] "Don't. Don't make yourself into a martyr for his sake before even speaking to him."

[Long pause] "You're right."

[Sigh] "You're thinking in circles, Viggo. Perhaps it's time to take a leaf from Sean's book: stop thinking, and _act_."

"I was trying to. I'd already booked a ticket to India to talk to him." [Pause] "I'll just have to write to him instead and hope that I'll find the right words."

"Say it the way you'd say it to me. I think that will be best."

"Tell me what you heard me say?"

"I heard that you're dissatisfied with how things are going. You want a life with Sean; not a half-life with the two of you constantly apart, but a full life, one where you can go home to each other. You want him with you for as much as you can." [Sip]

"Yes." [Sigh] "That doesn't sound irrational, or does it?"

"It definitely doesn't."

"Okay." [Audible exhale] "I'll send him an email. Alright. But let's have another glass of wine and you tell me how you've been faring, hm?"

 

 

_to be continued..._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sean is still in India, Viggo in Los Angeles. During a break Sean confides in his castmate Daragh O'Malley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This should actually have been the second part instead of the third, I got mixed up there. My apologies!

India, 26-05-2005, 8:32 a.m.

[Footsteps] "Move over, you big lug."

[Chuckles] "Patience, patience, I'm not getting any younger!"

"Nah, just wider." [Lighter snapping. Crackling tobacco] "Slept well?"

[Sip] "More or less. I'm never going to get used to the climate. You?"

"Bet you snored like a log." [Pause. Inhale] "Not really. Got a call ta think 'bout."

"Is everybody at home alright?"

"Never knew you ta be that polite ta ask, Daragh." [Chuckles]

"Psh. Be an ass and don't tell me about it. Or you could pour out your heart to dear old Daragh. Your call. Tea?"

"Thankee ya, old Pat." [Pause] "It ain't like I don't want ta tell you. It's... a long story."

"Well, it looks as if we're going to have some time, your horse apparently just lost a shoe and needs a new one before we can start."

"You've got ta be fucking with me."

"I'm not. The farrier is on his way."

"Damnit." [Huff] "You haveta promise ta not laugh at me."

[Pause] "That sounds pretty serious, Sean. Promised."

"So I- uh- I got meself a boyfriend, and that's who I was calling last night, and he sounds pretty shirty at me."

"Wait---when did that happen? The boyfriend, not the phone call, of course!"

"Few... years back?"

"Years? What do you mean, years? And you didn't tell me?"

"Years as in somewhere in 2000." [Groan. Muffled:] "I don't like telling people."

"You've never have had any problems with telling me about the women in your life either. So don't be such a sissy now. Tell me more. Here's more tea."

"Women are different." [Pause. Sip] "Yer not going to freak out on me, are you?"

"Sometimes I wonder if you really came here directly from the stone ages. No, Sean, I won't freak out because of the personal pronoun that comes with your significant other. And now stop being an idiot and get to the important stuff."

"I just prefer ta not assume that other people are open-minded. Been disappointed before." [Snorts] "He sounded... I don't know. He said he wasn't eating properly, and I keep thinking it's me fault."

[Quietly:] "And why do you think that?"

"'Cause he was missing me. And... and maybe I've been working too much lately. We haven't the chance ta see each other much, though we've talked plenty."

"When did you last see each other? Not before we came here?"

"Before we came here, yeah."

"It's only been a couple of weeks now. That surely doesn't keep him from eating, or does it? I sense there's more to that story, Sean."

"I haven't seen him fer even longer than that." [Pause. Cough] "Months, really. And even before that I didn't see him much."

"I see." [Sip] "And that's taking its toll on him, I suppose? " [Pause] "And what about you? Don't you miss him, too?"

"Of course I do. It's just... I don't have ta see him all the time fer me feelings ta not change, you know what I mean?"

"But that's two different things now, really. If he misses you so badly that he's lost his appetite then maybe that's not because his feelings for you have changed but because they haven't changed." [Quietly:] "He must be very much in love with you, if being separated from you for a longer time is so hard on him."

[Pause] "You really think so?"

"Well, I don't know him but listen to what you just told me: You've been together for four, five years, he is telling you that he misses you and that he isn't eating properly because of that. Doesn't that sound as if he cares a lot about you? To me it does. Very romantic, too."

[Groans] "Now I feel even worse."

[Pause] "Why didn't the two of you see each other for such a long time? Is he just as prone to overdosing on work as you are?" [Sip] "What's he doing for a living? And what's his name, for God's sake?" [Pause] "I can't believe that you daft bastard never told me about him!"

"I thought you'd freak out and decide that I'm... I don't know, alright?" [Muffled sigh] "It makes me head hurt."

"We don't have to talk about it more if it makes you uncomfortable." [Pause. Quietly:] "Did any of your friends freak out on you?"

"I... some of 'em I don't even dare tell, because of the talk they have." [Sigh] "Talk I've never minded before, because this whole thing 'bout liking men isn't just limited ta Vig, you know? But somehow... I'm scared, I guess."

"Scared that you'll lose them as friends if you tell them that you're in love with a man?" [Pause] "No offense, Sean, but then maybe they aren't the best friends to keep around. If he's your choice and being with him makes you happy then someone you call a friend should be happy for you, too."

"Oh c'mon, Daragh. You know it ain't that simple."

"Maybe it is. If a friendship only functions when you are pretending to be someone you are not, then maybe it is that simple." [Pause] "You must be so tired of pretending, after five years."

"It ain't pretending. It's more... well, you don't tell strangers yer whole life story the first time you met 'em, do you?"

"Of course you don't. But we weren't talking about strangers.. We were talking about friends."

[Quietly:] "Do you show yer friends all of yerself, Daragh? I know I don't, and it just seems sensible ta me."

"I share different things with different friends. I share things that are important to me. And a partner who takes up the biggest part of your thoughts- I think I'd find it difficult not to tell my friends anything about Annie."

[Softly:] "I wish I'd feel safe enough ta do that."

[Sigh] "I'm sorry, Sean, all of this sounds terribly difficult." [Pause] "What's your family saying? Did you tell them about him?"

"Nah, don't apologise. It ain't yer fault - I'm just dumping all me problems on you." [Pause. Sigh] "Me dad don't know, and I made my mom and my sister not tell him until I do."

[Soft chuckle] "You don't have to apologise either, you know. How do you think your dad'll react?"

"Kept thinking that he'd disown me or something like it."

[Quietly:] "And your mother? What's she saying?"

"She was shocked, I think. But at the same time... I don't know. Maybe it's a relief fer her that I've stopped marrying one woman after another. Sometimes I think she wishes that I had stayed married ta Debra."

"And stayed in Sheffield forever, probably. But it's your life and you need to make the choices that make you happy, even if they don't agree with your parents. Or do you regret any of it? Would you rather still be with Debra now? Or with Mel and the girls?"

"Sometimes I think it would've been easier."

"Easier perhaps. But would you be happy?" [Quietly:] "Are you happy with him, Sean?"

"He makes me happy, aye." [Pause] "So happy that sometimes I think it's too good ta last."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You've been searching for quite a while, why shouldn't this relationship be the one to last? If you've been with him or five years, that's longer than you were with Abby, isn't it?"

"My time with Abby really shouldn't be a yardstick." [Chuckles]

"No, maybe not." [Pause] "But in the beginning you were very much in love with her. You just were from two different worlds. It's not your fault alone that it didn't work out, even if you like to think that."

[Pause. Snorts] "When did you become my therapist, eh, Daragh?"

[Roaring laughter] "You tell me!"

[Chuckling. Pause] "His name is Viggo. Did I tell you that already?"

"Viggo, hm? That sounds familiar... did you fall for Aragorn?"

"Aye." [Sheepishly:] "He's me King, in more ways than one."

"He seems to be." [Soft chuckle] "You look adorably happy when you're talking about him, do you know that?"

[Softly:] "Mel told me that too."

"Must be true, then." [Pause] "So what's with that phone call? And why aren't you seeing each other?"

"It's been five years, you know, and I thought it was fine fer us ta not see each other. I know we love each other, and I think 'bout him all the time." [Pause] "Used ta get scared out of me mind that he'd change his the moment we're apart, 'cause he'd think 'bout me and realise I'm not what he expected, much less wanted. I thought we were doing alrigh', or even better than that."

"I don't really understand what makes you think that you aren't? If you are missing him and he's missing you and you've reached a point where you're really comfortable around each other, then you can just enjoy the time you have together, hm?"

[Long pause] "You think I'm putting me work too far first, Daragh?"

"I think Viggo can answer that question much better than I can. It depends on what you both want.' [Pause. Softly:] "Have you asked him yet about how he feels about this?"

"We haven't had the chance to really talk, honestly. You know how terrible the reception here is here." [Pause] "I asked him ta email me, though."

"And what did he write?"

"He hasn't sent me anything yet." [Exhale] "Least, not when I last checked."

"If he asked you to work less so you'd be home more often, would you consider it?"

"I- I know I should say yes, but... they're sending me scripts by the dozens nowadays, and I'm getting old, you know that. It'll run dry eventually, and what'd I do then, 'specially with three kids?" [Long sigh] "That and I- well. It always feels odd ta be at home without working. Like I'm being useless."

"You're far away from an extravagant life-style, I'm sure your kids would be very well provided for even if you worked a little less." [Pause] "And of course you are in a very exciting place right now, with a ton of offers to choose from, but if you just focus on work now, what are you going to do at the end of the day if he's not there, waiting for you?"

"D'you think that'd happen, if I don't stop working?"

"I don't know, Sean, I don't know him, I have no idea how he's feeling about any of this." [Pause] "But isn't that what happened with Mel? At least partly?"

[Pause] "Oh, buggering Christ."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rip open old wounds."

"No, it ain't- it ain't that." [Frustrated sigh] "I haven't even noticed. It's the same thing happening again."

"You think so?"

"Mm. With me thinking that it's alright fer someone ta wait fer me at home while I go 'bout doing me own business."

"It can be alright, depends on what you've agreed on. But it got too much for Mel. It doesn't mean that he feels the same, but talk to him?"

"Yeah, I will. Got ta get me arse off and find better reception fer a call, shouldn't I?" [Pause] "So how's you and Annie, eh?"

"We're good." [Pause] "We've given up the plan to adopt, though."

"Eh? Why?"

[Soft sigh] "We're not getting any younger either. I'm not sure that my knees would tolerate crouching on the carpet next to a toddler very well anymore."

[Thump] "Oh come on now, Daragh. You ain't that old."

"Fifty is not the age for becoming a father, and even though Annie is younger... we've talked about it a lot and it's fine, it really is." [Pause. Sip] "We just got a parrot, actually."

[Softly:] "Alrigh'. So how's the parrot, eh?"

"A bit noisy. But I like him. And actually- well, do you remember that house I told you about, in Portugal? We bought it."

[Chuckles] "So yer moving away from Ireland?"

"Not this year, probably not even the next, but we're planning to. You know how much I love being there."

"Yeah, I do." [Pause] "I remember the first time you saw the place. Christ, it must've been ten years ago or so."

"Twelve actually, when we rented it for the first time." [Pause] "You'll have to come visit one day."

"Oh, I will. Vig's in Spain now, and I know he really likes the country." [Soft laugh] "We might pop over since Portugal's right next door."

[Chuckles] "Spain is not a small country, but basically, yes. I'd love to meet him, Sean, he's just as welcome to visit as you are."

"I'm glad."

"I'm sure Annie feels the same way. I know that she'd like to see you again. Talk this out with him, hm? He has his own career, I'm sure he doesn't expect you to sit at home all year and twiddle your thumbs. And it doesn't sound as if you'd have anything against seeing him more often either. You should be able to find a way to deal with this."

"I'm going ta give it a shot, at the very least. Seems too important fer me ta not ta fight fer it, eh?" [Chuckles] "Thanks, Daragh. I mean that."

You're welcome, Sir!" [Laughs] "Come on, let's go see if they're done fixing that shoe, hm?"

 

...to be continued...


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sean is in India, Viggo is in Spain. Communication is not getting any easier.

 

from: Viggo <viggo.mortensen@hotmail.com>  
to: SB <notrichardsharpe@gmail.com>  
date: 02-06-2005, 01:49 a.m.  
Re: The email I promised you to write

 

Dear Sean.

I have tried to find an excuse for not having to write this email for days now because I wish so badly that I would not have to tell you what I am about to tell you. Or that I could tell you in person, at least. This feels terribly wrong but I don't think I can wait any longer, I have waited much too long already. I should have told when I was in London, not now when you are so far away. But I have been hoping all along that all of this is just a shadow of a feeling that will pass when- I don't know. After the holidays, when there are less people around, when we are both done filming, when we find the time to wake up next to each other and spring comes and the days are getting longer.

But it is almost summer now and as much as I wish it would be, this is not a passing feeling. On the contrary, it has become a steady companion.

I wish I knew how to say this without hurting you, but I don't. I have been trying to figure out what to tell you for so long, my mind is all blurry. But I think there just is no easy way out of this. I am unhappy, Sean, very much so, I am afraid, and have been so for some time. For months, to be completely honest, not weeks. Please, before your thoughts start spinning like mine are, let me say this: I love you as much as I always have and there is nothing I want more than to be with you.

But that is the problem: I am not. _With_ you. I never am. There never is time for us, and it makes me miserable. You are only just one thought away, always, and that used to make me smile like a fool, you know that smile, the one you call sappy. But it is gone, has been for some time, and there seems to be a frown clinging to my lips forever now that I cannot get rid of.

I don't know what to do anymore, Sean. I am just lost. And tired. There are days when I can barely get out of bed. I miss you so badly and all I want is to see you. I had already packed my bag, you know, for flying to India, and for a moment, I was actually feeling alright. I know that it is not your fault that we cannot see each other now, but there always seems to be something that gets in the way. A casting, family obligations, promotion events or forever changing film schedules; there always seems to be something that prevents you from spending time with me.

I know that you have a different tolerance with regard to being separated from each other for longer periods. And a lot of things are happening for you right now and I am aware that there are tons of offers that you have to decline as it is because there just is not enough time. Then there are your girls, too, and of course you need to spend time with them. I don't begrudge you any of this, and I wish the day had forty-eight hours and the year twenty-four months and there would be enough time for everything. But there is not, and I cannot continue like this. I just can't. I don't want you to be a stranger in my life and neither do I want to be one in yours. It feels as if you are slipping away further with every day that passes, and that feeling is making me sick and miserable. I have even had to stop wearing your clothes and I have taken down all our pictures because it hurts too much to be looking at them. But looking at the naked walls just makes me feel your absence more acutely. It is possibly a good thing that I am going to Spain tomorrow, there are just too many memories of moments spent with you haunting me here. I don't expect you to fix this now, not today, not tomorrow, I know you are working and can't just fly over to Spain to see me. But please, Sean, please make time to see me as soon as you are done filming Sharpe so that we can talk about is. I will do whatever it takes to fix this, but I am going to need your help. Come see me as soon as possible. I don't think there is much more time to lose.

And call me as soon as you get a chance, yes? Or at least write to me and tell me how you feel about this. I am so sorry I can't be there with you now, I should be.

I miss you, Sean, you can't imagine how much.

Yours always, Viggo

 

India, 02-06-2005, 11:23 p.m.

"Hej, this is Viggo. I can't answer right now but you are welcome to leave a message."

"Vig, look, I- I hope this voicemail gets through. I don't want ta talk ta a recorded message of you. I love you and I miss you, and I swear I'll be doing something 'bout me work. I hate the thought of hurting you, you know that." [Pause. Long sigh] "I'll call again once I get better reception."

 

Spain, 03-06-2005, 10:31 a.m.

"Sean here. Leave a message and I'll get back ta you."

"Hej." [Pause] "I got your message. And I- damn, Sean, I can't tell you how much I wish I'd been there to pick up the phone, I--" [Pause. Quietly:] "You realize that I'm not unhappy when I'm _with_ you, right? I'm just unhappy because I miss you and can't be with you. And I know that you're not doing this on purpose to hurt me, it's just--" [Pause] "Bring your schedule when you're coming to Spain, hm? Then we can sit down and look at the second half of the year and find time to spend together. Maybe over wine and tapas, I'd like that. Or over a cup of coffee, it doesn't really matter." [Pause] "It's a beautiful morning here, without one single cloud, and wish you could be here next to me on the balcony." [Long pause] "I miss that, I just miss having you around." [Pause] "Call me anytime you want, okay? I'll start working tomorrow, but I'll switch my mobile on as often as possible. Talk to you soon. Hej."

 

India, 03-06-2005, 9:54 p.m.

"Hej, this is Viggo. I can't answer right now but you are welcome to leave a message."

"Aye, I know what you mean, and I do mean it when I say I'm sorry 'bout it. Wish I wouldn't have ta speak ta yer answering machine, though." [Sigh] "Look, strange as it seems, the Internet's here been more reliable than me phone, and one of the boys here was telling me 'bout this Skype programme where you can talk ta and see each other through our laptops. Daragh says he'd be alrigh' with lending me his computer fer such a thing, so I was wonderin'..." [Pause] "Tell me what you think, aye? I'll be in Spain, though, that's confirmed."

 

from: Viggo <viggo.mortensen@hotmail.com>  
to: SB <notrichardsharpe@gmail.com>  
date: 04-06-2005, 10:42 a.m.  
Re: Skype

 

Dear Sean,

I talked to Henry about this Skype programm and he's going to talk me through the installation process tomorrow evening. We can try then, it would be great to be able to see you, even if it is only on the small screen.

I am exhausted, I just got home from work and I think I will go straight to bed now, before the letters start dancing in front of my eyes.

I really hope this works, I miss hearing about your days. Drop me a line if Daragh can spare his computer for a moment and tell me all about those fantastic remote places you are filming at?

And tell me when you will be coming to Spain as soon as you know, I will try to take some days off then if possible at all.

Good night, sleep tight and don't let the huge Indian bed bugs bite you,  
Viggo

 

from: SB <notrichardsharpe@gmail.com>  
to: Viggo <viggo.mortensen@hotmail.com>  
date: 04-06-2005, 9:33 p.m.  
Re:

 

Vig,

Daragh's been teaching me the programme. I've a username now - the same as me email. It's easier to remember that way.

India's beautiful, and I wish you could've come and see it for yourself because I can't think of any good way to describe it to you. The history here is so rich, reaching back thousands of years, and the castles and fortresses make the ones I've seen in England look like poorly-made toys. Maybe we can take a vacation here one day and see the sights properly. The locations are great, but I can't help but keep thinking that I'm only seeing half of the picture.

I took some photographs. I'll try to figure out how to put them into the computer and email them to you. Or I'll develop them and mail them to you in Spain. Would you like that?

Filming here is finishing up in another four more weeks. Strange to think that I've been here for three - almost a month. It's like no time has passed at all. But then I'll think of you and realise it's been a long time since I saw you, and four weeks seem a little bit too long. I don't have the exact dates yet, but I'll bug Tom about it soon as I can.

The Indian bed bugs aren't anything to fear. It's the water. So many people are down with diarrhea it's almost funny. I can't get used to the food, so I brought with me a couple of crates of Fray Bentos pies. Yeah, you can laugh at me right now for being silly.

I hope you slept well, Vig. I'm not quite sure what time is it over there. What's your timezone, anyhow?

Sean

 

from: Viggo <viggo.mortensen@hotmail.com>  
to: SB <notrichardsharpe@gmail.com>  
date: 06-06-2005, 7:02 a.m.  
Re: Programs, pictures, pies...

 

Dear Sean,

I am sorry, I got back home late yesterday, or later than I had planned, and couldn't get a hold of Henry when I tried. I tried to install this Skype myself but got stuck several times and frustrated. All this technology stuff is not for me yet, I am still happiest when I can doodle with a pen into the margins of my letters. But I will try to figure this out together with Henry, hopefully tonight. He seems to be at his girlfriend's place mst of the time now, and the last three times I called him it didn't seem to be a good moment, I didn't ask for details. I am not sure if I want to know any details, to be honest.

Speaking of which, did you get a chance to talk to Lorna yet? I spoke to Mel again before I left L.A. and she already sounded much more like her usual calm self again, apparently she and Lorna had talked things through. I hope they managed to resolve that issue, or you all did together. I hope they are all fine, your women. And James, of course. Evie must be so excited about starting school soon.

I would love to visit India with you at some point, maybe there will be time one day. Do you even have to ask about the pictures? Of course I want to see them!

Sean- you would be able to hear me sigh now- I miss you- four weeks seem to be half an eternity right now. But work is doing me good, a new skin to slip into, new influences, new people and the language... in the beginning my tongue always feels like an alien, living thing in my mouth, for the first days, before it remembers its old habits again. Everybody is making fun of my accent, I am beginning to understand how you must be feeling at times.

This turned out much longer than I intended it to be and I need to go to work soon. I am going to talk to Henry later hopefully, and then we are probably good to go. But try to call me anyway if you get a chance?

Un beso desde España,  
Viggo

PS Sean! You don't! go to India and take food with you, you crazy British person! They have so many great dishes! And Spain is one hour ahead of London, of course. I have no idea where you are right now, so you will have to do the math. Tell me what you come up with so I will know when I will have to get up to stand a chance to catch you on the phone?

 

from: SB <notrichardsharpe@gmail.com>  
to: Viggo <viggo.mortensen@hotmail.com>  
date: 04-06-2005, 9:33 p.m.  
Re:

 

Vig,

You must've some sort of a sixth sense or a really good sense of timing, because I just spoke to Lorna. She's calmed down a bit, aye. Strange, really - I spoke to her over the computer, over this Skype thing I was telling you about. So it really does work. There are some benefits to technology, I'm telling you. Don't become another Orlando, afraid of his phone. You're an old man, but I'm sure you can learn quicker than that kid. I did.

I miss seeing your face, you know. Miss seeing your smile and not being able to help thinking that you're a silly bugger, because the sight of you smiling always makes me grin. Christ, I feel sappy just writing this right now.

How's Henry? I don't want to know the details either. Lorna has a boyfriend now too, and I promised her when we talked that I'll have a good look at him and give him a speaking-to when I get back to London, whenever that might be.

You can't help your accent, but I can help mine but I choose to keep it, so it doesn't bother me when people make fun of it, really. You have to learn a new accent for your movie too, don't you? I don't think that's any trouble for you, given how well you spoke Sindarin during _Rings_. My overly-talented boyfriend, that's who you are. I think Daragh might be getting a little sick of hearing me talk about you.

Tell me when you have Skype set up. I'm tired of only reading your words and not hearing your voice. That's good enough with your books, but I can't even touch the paper you picked with these emails, and that bothers me more than it should.

A kiss from India (yes, I asked the Internet for a translation),  
Sean.

PS: Almost forgot. I'm only 3 and a half hours away from you - not much, isn't it, compared to New Zealand and L.A.? And I ate a bit of India's food and it's not to me taste. Too spicy, really. My tongue hasn't recovered since the last time. What kind of odd Spanish food have you been eating, eh?

 

from: Viggo <viggo.mortensen@hotmail.com>  
to: SB <notrichardsharpe@gmail.com>  
date: 08-06-2005, 6:42 a.m.  
Re: Buenos días!

 

Dear Sean,

this line about my smile always making you grin made me both very happy and very sad. Sad because it has been a long time since I smiled that smile- it is your smile after all, and you are not here- and happy because you seem to be missing this, too, sappy or not. I just sat and stared at the keyboard yesterday evening before I decided that it was no use, there weren't any words. Now there are some, but I have to leave for work in a moment. I made an appointment with Henry, we are going to talk tonight and he'll help me with the program. He says hi, by the way. As soon as the program works I'll try to call you.

Talk to you soon!  
Viggo

 

from: SB <notrichardsharpe@gmail.com>  
to: Viggo <viggo.mortensen@hotmail.com>  
date: 08-06-2005, 11:23 p.m.  
Re:

 

Vig,

Tell Henry 'hi' for me and tell him to hurry up with fixing up Skype on your computer, because I want to talk to you before the 10th of June. Nice ending date, that, ain't it?

Sorry the mail's so short. Day's been ridiculously long. I think production's going to have to build an entirely new castle or something like that - I'm not quite sure, actually.

Sean

 

from: Viggo <viggo.mortensen@hotmail.com>  
to: SB <notrichardsharpe@gmail.com>  
date: 09-06-2005, 6:37 a.m.  
Re: Buenos días!

 

Dear Sean,

Henry and I set up the program yesterday and it seems to be working (at least I got to see him and heard all about Liza, his girlfriend, he even showed me a picture. I already like Skype). I'm going out for dinner with some of the cast and crew tonight, but I think I'll be home by 10:30. Can we talk then? I sent you a request so you can add me to your list of contacts but Henry said I should tell you my username, too, because the messages sometimes get lost. It's 'viggoatperceval'. I really hope this works.

Until tonight,  
Viggo

PS Ending date? Is there something special about June 10th? Something I should have recalled?

 

 

India, 10-06-2005, 00:12 a.m.

[Dialing]

[Laughter] "No, espera un momentito--- hej? Sean?"

"Hey, luv." [Pause] "This a bad time?"

[Over voices and music in the background] "Wait a moment, I can barely hear you-- [Shuffling. Away from the phone:] "Sí, una caña.-- Gracias. Vuelvo pronto." [Pause. Receding noise] "Sean? Hej. Sorry, I'm out for dinner. Did you get back from work early today?"

[Burst of laughter] "It's midnight here, luv. I'm three and a half hours ahead of you, remember?"

"What? No, I thought- damn. I thought I was three ours ahead of you? Did you stay up and wait for my call?"

"I got off from work half an hour ago, actually. Was antsy half the night thinking I missed you." [Pause] "Should I leave you be and call tomorrow?"

"I won't be home tomorrow night either. Wait, let me find a corner that's a little more quiet." [Pause. Rustling] "Okay." [Deep breath. Softly:] "I miss you, too. How are you holding up?"

"I'm good, just a little worried." [Pause] "Have you been eating well, Vig?"

[Pause] "I'm trying to. I just ordered dinner, if that's a comforting thought."

"It is. I want you to finish the plate, alright, luv?"

"I don't think that's going to be a problem. The paella they're doing here is the best in town, I've been told." [Pause] "I'm trying, Sean, hm? It's getting a little easier now, with work, and knowing that you'll come see me here. O you have any idea yet when you'll be able to come?"

"Little over three weeks until filming here's over by now, but I don't know if I should pop back to England first." [Pause] "Damnit, I hate doing this."

[Pause. Hoarsely:] "Doing what?"

"Having to choose. I love me girls, and you know what I feel 'bout you." [Heavy sigh] " _Christ_."

[Pause. Quietly:] "Go see your girls first. I can wait for another week. But just-" [Swallows] "Don't postphone seeing me because of work this time."

"I'd see the girls and come over soon as I can, but you sure you'd be alright?"

"I don't know." [Pause] "I really don't. I don't know how much longer I can take this situation. But I've been waiting for such a long time already that surely a couple of more days won't make that much of a difference. Just come and spend time with me."

"No, I-" [Swallow] "Look, I'll come and see you first before the girls. If I go home, I'll spend all me time fretting 'bout you, and they will get annoyed with me before long."

"I'm afraid I can't help you with that decision." [Pause] "I wish there'd be something else I could say. That I could tell you that we're going to be fine, no matter what, but I- I don't know, Sean. I-" [Hoarsely:] "I don't know if it hasn't been too long already."

[Long pause] "What'd you mean by that, Vig?"

"Damn, I'm sorry-- this is a terrible moment to talk about this, I--" [Pause] "I'm not sure if we can just pick things up where we left off. It's been so long. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to. I do. I just don't think that this time a weekend or a week will be enough to patch things up again and keep us going for another six months. I need to be with you." [Pause. Frustrated sigh] "I don't know. I don't seem to know anything any more. I'm just so damn tired of missing you and drifting round between countries and cities without ever seeming to get there."

"Get where, Vig? Where is it that you want ta end up?"

"Do you remember that one summer? When I was staying with you in London?"

"Aye."

[Almost shyly:] "Something like that. Just some place where we can be together. Some place that's not the inside of a hotel room."

"Oh, luv. _Luv_." [Long breath. Swallow] " _Christ_ , I- I want nothing more than ta come home ta you after work, you know what I mean? After a long day, just ta come back and curl up in yer arms." [Pause] "D'you... d'you want ta move in with me?"

[Shaky breath. With a trembling voice:] "God, Sean-" [Half sob]

"Vig?" [Hoarse laugh] "Don't cry, you silly bugger. Yer going ta make me cry too."

[Deep breath] "I wish I could say yes to that."

"Why not?"

"I'd love that. To be able to come home to you." [Pause] "But would we have seen each other any more often than we have if I'd be living with you in London?" [Softly:] "The problem is not that we're not living together."

[Deep breath] "Is it because I'm working too much?"

"Yes."

[Long pause] "I just- _fuck_."

"Sean? Don't, please- just talk to me."

"First thing on the tip of me tongue is that I'd drop everything fer you. I mean that. Yer mark's on me." [Shuddering inhale] "But I can't. You know how this business is. I have contracts until two goddamned _years_ later."

[Silence]

[Swallow] "Luv?"

[Strangled:] "I can't wait that long."

"I want ta ask you to, but- but I won't."

[Silence] "No-- Sean--"

"I don't want ta keep hurting you and making you feel miserable, luv. Nothing's changed 'bout how I feel 'bout you, but this is me fault and I don't want you ta have ta pay fer it."

[Shaky exhale] "Then do something to change this, Sean, damn. But don't just give up on us."

"You... yer the only one I ever fought fer. I..." [Long, shuddering breath] "God, _Vig_. I don't even fucking know what ta _do_."

"Come to see me, Sean. We'll figure something out- I just-- we can't do this over the phone."

"Yeah I- yeah. Four weeks. I'll be there." [Shaking breath] "Write ta me, luv? Will you still do that fer me?"

[Swallows] "Of course. And we can try this skype, too, I want to see you-"

[Footsteps] "Viggo? Vienen con la comida-- oh, lo siento--"

"No, no te preocupes. Voy."

[Pause] "Vale." [Footsteps]

"Sean? You still there?"

"Yeah." [Pause] "Yer friend?"

"Ariadna. One of my colleagues." [Sigh] "They are waiting for me inside. The food's there."

"I'm glad." [Soft, shaky laugh] "Tell her hello from me, and I'm asking a favour from her ta make sure you eat, alrigh'?"

"I'm not feeling hungry at all right now. But I'll try to eat something, I promise." [Pause. Softly:] "I miss you so much. I wish I'd go in there now and you'll be there, waiting for me, I--" [Shaky exhale] "Damn."

"Pretend I'm feeding you, luv?"

[Soft laugh] "Yes." [Pause] "Sean?"

"Aye?"

"Don't give up on us."

"I won't." [Pause] "Promise me something?"

"Mh?"

"Take care of yerself. Sleep and eat, alrigh'? Eat three meals even if you don't feel hungry."

"I'll try to. It'll be easier once filming starts properly and I'm busy all day."

"Don't make me find out the number of this Ariadna girl and blackmail her into taking care of you."

"She's probably concerned about me already, after walking in on me crying into my phone in the backyard."

[Long pause] "I'm sorry, luv."

"So am I. I didn't mean to worry you like this---"

"I'll always worry 'bout you. But you take care of yerself, alright?"

"I'll try to." [Pause] "I should go and wash my face. Let's talk again soon, okay?"

"I should too. Tomorrow night?"

"There's a birthday party of a guy from work. But the day after tomorrow?"

[Pause] "Alright. I'll talk ta you then, luv."

"Yeah, I'll be home and turn on my computer." [Pause. Softly:] Sleep tight, Sean."

"You sleep well too, when you get ta bed. Goodnight, Vig."

 

_to be continued..._

 


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